One of my favourite things to do is write.
I love sitting in front of a blank sheet of paper, or screen (depending on what mood I am in), feeling like the words are physically falling all out of my fingertips, and watching them fill that blank space.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I am going to write about but I can feel that I need to get something out. When I read back the words that have been spilled, sometimes there are revelations/light bulb moments; sometimes there are not. The one constant thing though is that I feel good after a writing session – unclogged and so much lighter.
However, something has changed in the last couple of months. Every time I think about writing, I stop myself from doing it. I silence myself.
There is an inner dialogue that goes something like this. What are you doing? Why are you doing it? It feels like there is so much noise online right now, why add to that noise? Why should your words – nothing important, just observations or feelings – take up more space in an already crowded room? Who do you think you are? There are atrocities happening in the world, why are you moaning about not writing? Just because you want to write doesn’t mean you should – step away from that laptop/notebook and do something else! And so I do. I silence myself.
The thing is, there is nothing wrong with those questions. They are questions I should be asking myself before I do anything; being silent and listening to what others have to say is something we should all be doing more of; but, rather than use those things as a guide in my life, of late, I have used them to stop me doing something I enjoy. My imposter syndrome is at an all-time high. I’m allowing it to stop me from stepping into an arena I want to be in or turning dreams into a reality or even just doing the small things.
All that said, at the same time I can’t shake the feeling of why am I silencing myself? No-one else is doing it to me – I am the one silencing myself.
So today, I put all those thoughts aside and took out my notebook and gave myself permission to write. No-one has to read it but I can still write it. It’s not going to be life changing or world changing but I can still write it and not silence myself.
When I was in primary school my teachers used to always encourage us to write. The first thing they would tell us to do was not plan, just write. Do a stream of consciousness. So, I am going back to the beginning – I’m heading for that stream and seeing where it takes me.
- Sarina Bellissimo